Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.