If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.