I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!