well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
☠️☠️☠️