[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.