It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
You Might Also Like
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Encore…
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up