When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.