Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Customize Your Wedding.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
man: wait
time: no
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.