I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time