im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?