3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
my first day as a raccoon
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.