Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*