CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.