Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
#polloftheday
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Lmao the reply
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl