Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
me hitting on a model
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.