my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us