My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I had to Stop for this