Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.