[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
You Might Also Like
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
They’re stuck in your pants?