Two types of dogs.
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
This classic never gets old . . .
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
my dad has had enough
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.