I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
2022: I can fix it
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?