Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.