(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”