Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Sing it!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
courtroom exchange of the day
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Yeah. This was me today.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!