Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I have a new favorite meme page
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Breaking news:
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!