British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?