My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
True freaking story!
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.