There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Battery falling down a hole
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
is nasa ok
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien