Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.