[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Stop sending me this shit.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.