I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets