I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
This is me 🤣🤣
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color