Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Breaking news:
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go