Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“You’d better run, egg!”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people