I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre