Do one person every day that scares you.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.