I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send