When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.