aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Hero horse inspires millions
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance