I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.