At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?