Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Finally! 😈
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.