I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.