Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders