“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
You Might Also Like
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider