[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it