Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.