“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You Might Also Like
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My first son he is wonderful
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Cheer up.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.