Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
man i love columbo
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed