Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you